they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
