So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
