My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
