Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
