I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
