Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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