so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Vodka?
Forever.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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