The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
