His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
