Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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