I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
