i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
