I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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