are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
