i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
