At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
