you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
