no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
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I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
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Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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