I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
