Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
