Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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