i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
