Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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