yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.