just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.