i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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