I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He better not be in your backpack
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
