I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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