mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
