how can u be prego again
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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