I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
