Your dad touched me again.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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