I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
