I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
