Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
