Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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