Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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