I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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