I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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