My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
