Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
