is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
