Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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