There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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