alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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