I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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