just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
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I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
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He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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