I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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