I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you will always have a special place in my vag
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
