Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
