Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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