one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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