4 words: hood of his car
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
