seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
