Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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